Becoming a Mother has been a massive learning curve for me, as it is for most people … not just because of all the new experiences, but because I’ve been walloped with a hefty bout of post-natal depression.
The last few months have seen some of the highest highs of my life, watching my beautiful little man grow and develop, but also, I have to admit, some of the lowest and darkest moments of my life as well. If I’m going to be totally honest here, there’s been times where I have, sadly, been too overwhelmed to enjoy being a parent at all … bordering on hating it at times. I’ve felt like I’ve been living in a cloud of fatigue, guilt and anxiety; and by last week when I started having dark thoughts about ending my life as the only way to bring some relief, I knew I needed help.
So, I bit the bullet and went to see my psychologist (yes, I have one, his name is Dave and he’s wonderful!). We talked about how I’d been feeling and the common theme that kept coming up was that I was feeling most overwhelmed because I hadn’t had any time to myself to recuperate, teamed with my old inner tapes about ‘not wanting to put other people out’. And because I have a rather clingy little baby who gets rather upset being away from his Mummy, including refusing a bottle while I’m away, I’ve found a gazillion excuses why I can’t do this to my little boy and why I can’t let other people by ‘burdened’ by my little man’s protests. In short, I’ve been available to him 24/7 with no reprieve, and burning myself out as a result.
So in my counselling session we did some visualisation about this not-wanting-to-accept-help tendency o’ mine, and some absolutely, soul-filling, beautiful imagery came up. I saw in my minds eye I saw a high brick wall, with me on one side and crowds of people on the other side, just waiting to help me. Slowly, the brick wall turned into a floaty curtain, seamed at the centre, and for moments I just let my face brush against it, too afraid to allow myself to get too close to what waited on the other side.
Once at this spot, Dave coaxed me on … ‘What needs to happen now?’
Floods of tears teamed from my eyes as in that moment, one person came through the curtain and embrace me entirely, filling me with love and support. I cried and cried as I let this happen, finally accepting the help and support I needed, and soon I saw everyone from the other side, streaming through the curtain which had now pinned itself up and was now fully open, and were crowding around me in concentric circles, filling my previously empty place with absolute love, peace and integrity.
My heart full, I suddenly had a quaver of anxiety … how can my beautiful baby boy fit into this picture? Suddenly, still in the crowd’s embrace, I saw him in my arms, with my husband beside me, and my Maxie boy was beaming with a smile from ear to ear. Even his eyes were smiling and full of joy. My boy was so happy that I was allowing help in and he was surrounded with such love. It brings tears to my eyes as I write it now. He just wants his Mummy to be happy. And so do I, for him. And for me.
So, with such a beautiful visualisation and shift in my knowing, I wanted to capture this moment through my art. Here is that artwork I created in memory of this beautiful experience … I have called it, ‘My Healing’
‘My Healing’. Acrylic, marker, watercolour and metallic pen on board. 25 x 25cms. 2011 © Chrissy Foreman Cranitch
The flower in the centre is me, surrounded by all the beautiful souls in my life, who want to share their love and support with me. The curtain is parted and pinned open with jewels, and there’s still growth to be had, reminding me to keep my curtains open to assistance as I recall this daily and begin to integrate my new-found healing into my life.
In a few weeks’ time, my official maternity leave time will be up, so this will become a new print I’ll be offering when I relaunch my shop. It is my hope that people can connect with this artwork in a soul-filling way, as we’ve all had painful times in our lives that are lit up by intense moments of healing and support from loved ones.
All the best to you, my friends, for a beautiful love-filled, healing and joyous Christmas ahead.
Love Chrissy xx
